


From Darkness to Light

by AZGirl



Category: NCIS
Genre: Angst, Drama, Family, Gen, Near Death Experiences
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-18
Updated: 2020-12-18
Packaged: 2021-03-11 03:47:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,676
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28158555
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AZGirl/pseuds/AZGirl
Summary: In Tony’s darkest hour, an unexpected ally helps him gain a new perspective on life.
Comments: 4
Kudos: 28





	From Darkness to Light

**Author's Note:**

> This is another of my stories that I never got around to posting on this site. It was originally posted on fanfiction.net in June 2010 between seasons 7 and 8 of the show, and has been revised a bit. 
> 
> I took a different approach to this story and the POV used. I hope it makes sense.

ooooooo

“Maybe you have to know the darkness before you can appreciate the light.”

~~~~~Madeline L’Engle

ooooooo

It was dark. Though “dark” didn’t seem quite the right word because _this_ dark was so black, so…empty, that it seemed like it deserved to have a name with more depth to it. But at the moment, it was the best word for this place he was in or at or located or…

He couldn’t taste anything. Not his last meal, his last drink, or even the way he knew his mouth tasted upon waking. Nothing. It was almost as if he didn’t have a mouth. 

It was then that he realized that he couldn’t smell anything either. Smells. He’d always been good at identifying them. But, here, in this place, there seemed to be nothing to smell.

No noise could be heard – not even the sound of his own heart beating. It was so quiet that he thought he should be able to hear something, anything, but there was absolutely nothing. The quiet penetrated the dark, and yet it also seemed to be a part of the dark.

It was neither hot nor cold in this…place. It wasn’t even warm. It was as if the concept of temperature didn’t even exist. He couldn’t tell if he was standing or sitting or lying down on anything. It seemed as though he didn’t even have a body, and yet he wasn’t panicked even though he was a little bit afraid.

No sensations could be felt at all – except for one thing.

Even though he seemed a disembodied mind, he was inexplicably aware of his right hand. Pressure – a slight, constant pressure was being applied to his hand. He had no idea why he could feel only that pressure when his all his senses had failed him in every other respect.

His thoughts and that pressure were basically the only things that existed in this dark place – this Nothing – in which he found himself.

He realized it was the pressure that was keeping him calm. With it, he wasn’t afraid of the Nothing. In fact, he felt loved – and _that_ is what made him a little afraid, not the dark nothing that surrounded him. From the moment he discovered the love, it invaded the Nothing and permeated every aspect of it.

Love in this form was a rare feeling for him. He didn’t know what to do with it, and for reasons he couldn’t quite grasp, he felt he didn’t deserve it. Escape was all he could think about. He wanted to get away from the love but found he couldn’t. There was no escaping it, but he tried anyway.

Time seemed meaningless in this dark nothing of a place. He didn’t know _when_ it was, and had no visual cues to help him figure it out. He only knew time was passing. And, as it passed, he felt like he was running out of it. The pressure on his hand seemed to increase a little.

The calm it provided was still there – as was the love – but regardless of those two feelings, it seemed like he was slowly but surely becoming one with this place, this Nothing in which he currently existed.

Love wanted him to stay, to fight, but he didn’t know if he still wanted to after all these years. Acceptance, praise, love – all these things had been so rare in his life. And, up until now, those things had always seemed to be fleeting, conditional, and just plain – insincere.

He wanted to fight. He wanted to break out of the Nothing. The gruff love was something he’d wished a long time for and never really thought he’d have. Every once in awhile he knew he’d experienced glimpses of that gruff love, but a sudden memory held him back from both accepting or even fighting for it.

He knew that he wasn’t the first to feel this particular kind of love and now guilt invaded the inky blackness of wherever he was. Overwhelmed with the certainty that the First was forever beyond the reach of the love, he wanted all the more to deny it. He thought about not fighting the dark.

He felt as if he shouldn’t have this love – that it belonged only to the First, to Her. He had no right and didn’t deserve to be counted with her. Letting the Nothing become his Everything seemed the best and only option.

The pressure on his hand increased, and a sense of urgency was infused into his being. As the urgency increased, he noticed that the darkness, the blackness of his nothing existence was lightening. No. It wasn’t becoming lighter, but in fact it was a pinprick of light within the darkness that was growing larger.

The Light took shape, and he could tell it was a young girl. She looked like a child, and yet she seemed ageless. Her eyes were disturbingly familiar, but he didn’t know why. He knew her, and yet, he was certain that he’d never met her before.

Guilt overpowered him. The love that he’d been feeling in this nothing had originally been hers. She was the First and she should be the _only_ one to ever feel this love.

He hadn’t meant to take any of it from her. Becoming one with the Nothing seemed the most logical way to ensure the love he felt would go back to being all hers again.

“You’re wrong, you know,” the child in the light said.

Before he could protest, she continued, “The love that you now feel will never go away. It will never diminish. After all these years, I know that to be an undeniable fact.

“He has enough love for all of us even though it may not seem like it most of the time. I know you think this love should be reserved only for me and maybe one other, but you deserve it too.

“Don’t run away from it. Let him love you like he still loves me.”

The light begins to diminish, and he’s still filled with indecision. Should he accept this love or deny it and slip away forever?

A dim, shapeless light is all that’s left, but for a moment it flares, and he hears her again.

“I don’t think he’d be able to bear it if he lost you too. It’s okay. Really. It’s okay. You should go back now.”

The light dims again, and he’s finally made up his mind. Just as the last pinpoint of light disappears, he hears the echoing whisper of the First say:

“I always wanted a brother, Tony.”

_Wait! What?!_

He’s completely alone in the dark nothing again, and the First’s barely-heard final words continue to echo around him. The words are repeating over and over again while, at the same time, the Nothing is starting to become Something. He can’t believe what he’s hearing. She’s accepted him, and he feels doubly blessed.

The dark continues to change. It’s not a nothing anymore. The echoing words are gone, and sounds and smells are everywhere again. He realizes that the pressure he’d been feeling was actually someone tightly holding his hand. He’s pretty sure he can hear voices, but can’t make out what they’re saying.

He realizes the love that he was feeling in the Nothing is still there with him. That it belongs to one of the voices he’s hearing. That it will always be there from now on.

His hand tightens in response to the voice belonging to the love even if he doesn’t yet know to whom it belongs or what they are saying.

More words. They are encouraging but are being said in a pleading, almost begging tone that is rarely heard.

He struggles to break away from the last of the dark nothing, and suddenly his world is filled with a bright, blinding light.

ooooooo

The light blinds me, and I close my eyes tightly against it. I still feel the hand tightly gripping mine, and I force myself to stay in the here and now. Awareness of my surroundings remains semi-elusive, but I can hear the voices encouraging me to open my eyes again.

I want to know – no, I _need_ to know if she was right. _But was she even real?_

I open my eyes and it takes me several moments to get used to the light again and to focus my vision. I blink several times to reorient myself to the world before slightly turning my head to look towards the one tightly gripping my hand.

A big, relieved smile is on his face. He softly pats the hand already held in his hands, and says, “Welcome back, Tony.”

Then, gruffly, almost angrily, he continues, “Don’t you _ever_ scare me like that again!”

Though the words are practically said in anger, his eyes are confirming the truth I’d learned in the dark. The memory of that nothingness was retreating and rapidly disappearing, but two things remain – her acceptance and his love.

I can see it confirmed in his eyes, his actions, and even in those ‘angry’ words. I may not be the first to experience this particular gift of love, but Kelly was right – I’m no less deserving and there’s room in his heart for both of us.

I feel humbled to be accepted into this family, and I can’t help but remember when I was growing up that I’d always wanted to have a sister.

I see Gibbs start a little, and I realized that I’d said out loud what I’d been thinking. Gibbs’ expression becomes difficult for me to read as if he can’t quite decide how to react or even reply.

Eventually he says, “What did you say?”

“You heard me,” I whisper through abused vocal chords.

He smirks and then very gently taps the top of my head.

“So I did.”

And later, as I’m falling asleep, I hear Gibbs very quietly say, “You would’ve made a great big brother, Tony.”

ooooooo

_The end._

**ooooooo**

**Author's Note:**

> This is the last of my older stories that I’m posting this year. More will be coming in 2021. 
> 
> To those who celebrate….Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!
> 
> Many thanks to Celticgal1041 for proofing. Any remaining mistakes are my fault. 
> 
> Thanks for reading!
> 
> *Please do not repost or use this or any of my other works on another site or app without my knowledge or consent. FanFiction and Archive of Our Own are the only two sites (as AZGirl on both) where my fiction should be posted. Thank you!


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